I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
