i wish starbucks made bloody marys
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
