my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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