I love black thongs
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
