I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
