some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
