mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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