so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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