There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
