i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I woke up under a house in Key West
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