Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
