so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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