i need an iv and a liver transplant
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
