Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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