I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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