Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
