"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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