I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
