Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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