I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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