my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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