I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just want to make out with him forever
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
