New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
