How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize