This dress was meant to end up on your floor
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
