my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
