It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
