If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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