Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
