Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
