I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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