Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
