it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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