That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize