don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just found a bag of teeth...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
