why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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