im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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