just come out here and I will go home with you...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
