Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
