My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize