I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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