I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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