dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
