My sheets look like a crime scene.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
