In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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