I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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