my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
