Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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