she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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