Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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