The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
