no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize