I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
