We won't sleep together?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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