Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
well you can't waste a boner
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
