nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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