She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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